Does Passion Make It Harder for You to Set Boundaries?

I used to joke with loved ones about my ‘porous boundaries,’ but the truth is, it’s been a long-standing struggle since University. Not knowing when to step back or say no, both personally and professionally, has led to burnout and dysregulation and even impacted my health and finances.

Physical boundary: I’m currently at full capacity and unable to take on anything additional.

Despite the progress I've made in setting boundaries over the years, old habits have a way of creeping back in. A few months back, I found myself in a situation that made me reflect on these challenges once again.

I was asked to create some communication materials for a big conference at the last minute. The materials were for a project I had spearheaded over several years, so I was emotionally invested. Despite my reservations, I cleared my schedule, worked long hours, reached out to other stakeholders and delivered everything on time.

After following up, I learned the strategy had changed, and my work wasn’t used. The project wasn’t even presented. There was no apology or next steps offered, it felt like my work was for nothing.

In moments like these, I don’t just feel disappointment with others; I’m mostly frustrated with myself.

Why did I prioritize this last-minute ask when I knew I didn’t have the capacity?

While it may not be the most egregious example of boundary neglect, sometimes smaller situations can trigger old wounds from larger boundary breaches.

Reflections on Boundaries:

This issue also comes up with my coaching clients—many of whom are dedicated to their work, families, and communities but often struggle with setting boundaries. When boundaries aren't in place, our ability to regulate emotions becomes even more difficult.

Below are some reflections I've had on boundaries and why they can be difficult to uphold, especially when you're dedicated and passionate about the pursuit:

• Sunken Cost Fallacy: After investing significant time and resources in a project/activity, it’s easy to feel compelled to keep going, even when it may no longer serve you.

  
  

• Scarcity Mindset: The fear of missing out can be overwhelming; “What if there aren’t other opportunities?” There probably will be, but the brain can trick us into thinking this could be the one (and only) big break.

  
  

• Passion: When something aligns with your values and interests, stepping back or declining can be difficult. When we genuinely care about what we are doing, it can be hard to say no because we're envisioning a meaningful outcome.

  
  

• Projection: We often expect others to appreciate our time and efforts the way we do, which can lead to disappointment when their actions don’t align with those expectations. I’ve often taken on more personal risk or responsibility than I should have, only to feel resentful when my efforts weren’t appreciated or mirrored by others.

  
  

• Trade-offs: Many people believe that sacrifice is necessary for achieving goals. While there’s some truth to this, particularly in the short term, constant sacrifices can cause us to desperately fixate on potential long-term gains at the expense of our well-being.

  
  

I’m learning to practice self-compassion when I fall into old patterns, reminding myself that I can support others and pursue my passions without compromising my emotional and physical health.

Reframing My Approach to Boundaries:

Setting boundaries is essential, especially for those of us living with chronic conditions that require us to pace our day-to-day and schedule with intention. Also, for those who are curious and passionate, it’s easy to get caught up in many things that demand our time and energy.

But how do we ensure our efforts don’t push our nervous systems beyond their limits? Here’s how I reframed my approach to pursuing goals and setting boundaries:

1. Assessing Capacity: What are my emotional, mental, and physical limits right now? Recognizing my limits in these areas helps me set realistic goals and commitments that respect my capacity. If my capacity were reduced (e.g., due to a flare), what would I prioritize, and how would I manage this goal/activity?

   
   

2. Identifying Triggers: Our tolerance is the amount we can handle before it becomes overwhelming, triggering a fight/flight/freeze response or emotional overload. What will push me outside of my Window of Tolerance (optimal zone for processing stress and emotional arousal)? Understanding the activities or situations that cause nervous system dysregulation helps me either avoid them or make necessary adjustments, the foundation for boundaries I may need to establish.

   
   

3. Understanding Risk Threshold: If things don’t go as planned (and even if they do), am I comfortable with the investment? Reflecting on what I’m willing to risk — whether that’s time, energy, or resources — helps me make informed decisions.

   
   

I still fall into the ‘but this is bigger than me’ trap! However, I’m learning to remind myself that a project or goal cannot grow into something significant if I’m not well enough to sustain it. By prioritizing my well-being, I can have a greater impact in the long run.

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Rooted & Rising is a weekly newsletter about intentional living and nervous system regulation. It’s designed to support people navigating the world with chronic illness, burnout, or neurodiversity—offering gentle tools to shift limiting beliefs and deepen self-connection. Join here.

Originally published on Medium at https://medium.com on January 6, 2025.